Monday, February 20, 2017

Another spin around the sun

Tomorrow I will be 42. When I was on the phone with my mother last week I lamented, jokingly, about turning 43 when she corrected me about my age. It was funny to me that I have been thinking I was a year ahead for the last several weeks. I am not sure what this means, but probably it means that I don't really care about my age. And I don't. I care about how I feel, what I am doing, what impact I am making on the lives of others. And though I have gray hairs that I desperately and unsuccesfully try to hide with boxed hair dye from the drugstore, I can't eat a whole pizza without very real consequences, and I realize that I must move around more than I sit still to stay relatively fit, overall my forties have been similar to my 30s and nothing like my 20s (thank goodness). I am still very committed to doing good work in a career that I have now had for over 17 years, I still love to travel (though my feet have stayed in the US a lot more this year), I still fiercely adore my family and friends and try my best to be the best daughter and friend I can be, and I still have so much more to do in this long life!

Last year around this time I was crushed in a coach seat on a stuffy airplane on my way home from a foreign country (I think it was Russia) and was returning to a new home in California in which I had spent little time due to my job and travels outside of the country. I still hadn't found my footing in my new place and felt, as I mentioned in a previous blog, homesick in all kinds of ways. Homesick for my actual home state of Connecticut, homesick for my new home, homesick for my old life and my new life at the same time, a life that could be predictable and easier. I had a bad job. The wrong one for me and no new job in hand yet. And through it all I decided not to "cut and run", not to give it all up, not to go home (to any home) with my tail between my legs. I stood up through many difficult moments this past year and faced them head on, figured them out, moved on. I would not suggest going through this in your forties. The resiliency I learned early on, the grit I inherited from my parents' got me to where I am today, but it was exhausting. There were many tears. Many doubts. But...

Today, I am working in a job that speaks directly to my soul. Every single day that I walk into my office I feel grateful for the opportunity to serve my amazing school. I am energized by my students and colleagues and I am joyful in my work. I know that I am doing what I was meant to do and it is incredible what that alone can do for your heart. I have a great marriage to a person who is as unique as I am, a fluffy dog, a healthy family, an awesome niece, a group of beautiful and kind friends from around the world, and so many adventures to still uncover. For all this, I am in a state of constant gratitude. So here we go kids, let's see what the next year has in store!

Here's to 42!

Friday, July 1, 2016

This Year Was A Lot (of good and bad)

I am definitely an adventurer. It is one of my favorite personal qualities. I wasn't always this person outwardly and didn't grow up even imagining the things I would do, the places I would see, the woman I would become while approaching middle age (wait, am I middle aged now? Who cares.). I didn't travel outside of the United States (aside from our border countries) until I was in my 30s, I didn't know many people from around the world and didn't even know how much I needed and wanted to know them until my first big trip, which of all places, happened to be giant, frenetic, overpopulated, phenomenal,  China. The minute I walked into the Beijing airport I was forever changed, immediately fearless (where did this come from??), and hungry, nay, starving to meet as many people as I could from around the world. I had a sudden and urgent desire to know more than I ever knew I could learn about culture and food and love and happiness and everything else that exists everywhere else than where I had previously been. A lot of this spirit can probably be to blame for feeling an "urge for going" a sense of wanderlust. And so, at age 40 I set off with my partner in life and best friend on yet another adventure that changed our lives and the lives of those who love us. It was not to a far away land (I am not there yet), but was faraway nonetheless. We headed West and found in place of quaint and lovely New England towns in all their vibrant and interesting glory, a land of palm trees and free-spirits, and the beach, and the list goes on. The minute I arrived in California it felt right, like a home I didn't know was waiting for me, but always kind of did. In the past year I learned more about myself than any other year and though it was one of my toughest spins around the sun professionally, I gained an incredible amount of insight into who I am and who I still want to be. Here are some highlights of my learning process:

1. It is damn hard to be away from family. Missing holidays, my niece change and grow daily. All the things we take for granted living close to people we love.
2. It is easy to stay in touch with far away family and friends. So, Facetime will never replace actually being with our loved ones, but it sure has made it easier to handle the distance. Also, the traffic here is pretty bad, so Bluetooth phone calls have become far more frequent than ever before for me.
3. When you hate your job it doesn't matter that you live at the beach. This was a hard one for me. We moved to California for my new job. In less than a month I knew in my gut that I had made a terrible mistake. It was a bad fit and I knew nearly immediately that I was in the wrong place.
4. Trust that gut of yours! See above. I quickly made a plan to figure it all out. My work is a huge part of my identity and I knew for a fact I needed something that I felt happy about in this area.
5. It is hard to make friends when you are 40 and work with a combined 7 people (between Chris and me). We did not make (m)any friends this past year. And those of you who know us understand that this is strange. We are both very social and relatively likable. But, when you work with a total of under 10 people it limits the options.
6. When you don't have friends as an outlet you lean on your partner more than is healthy. I had a job I didn't like, I was overworked and stressed out, I was out of the country for almost three months. All of these factors made me a grumpy girl and the only person I really had to vent about it all was my husband. He is an amazing supporter and was a trooper through it all, but it was a tough time for us as a couple with very little escape from it all or each other. We leaned into our relationship big time and it kept me together emotionally, but it was tough and stressful and frankly, a less strong bond may have been broken during such a time.
7. When you love your job it might be okay to live a little farther away from the beach. For months I balanced a high pressure, all consuming position with interviewing (sometimes by Skype from Asia at 2 in the morning) to secure a job that spoke to my soul. And, yes, there are people who are reading this thinking, "Oh, get over it, you don't like your job, neither do I." But, when your career and what you contribute to society, much like raising children, defines a good portion of who you are, this is not something to take lightly. Believe me, there have been days where I thought, "I wish I just had a job that I didn't care about, that I could leave behind at the end of the day." What it comes down to for me, though, is that is not a reality. I live and breathe my work when it is my passion and miraculously I have landed myself in a place that feels like a year of insanity may have been worth it after all. So, we have to move inland. We won't be able to hop on our bikes and go to the beach. But, we will still live in this awesome state that has felt like home since the minute we crossed the border. And, I mean we will still be under 30 miles to the Pacific Ocean, so.

My adventure is mild compared to many. I currently have friends who live in Nigeria with their children working at an American School, a colleague who is living in Nantes, France working at a University, a fellow admissions traveler who is packing her bags in mere months to leave a job at a California school to work at a school in London. These folks are far more adventurous than I am and I respect them each so much for following the song in their hearts.

What I have learned most from this past year is that we are resilient even if we don't know we are until we are tested to be so.

Peace and love to you, my readers and friends. Whatever journey you are on, please, please, please, trust that you are the pilot.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Reflecting on 40

In three days I will be 41. And though this birthday is not considered the milestone last year's was, it is significant nonetheless. It has been a good year and a tough year and, frankly,  some of this past year has been nearly unbearable. But as I approach this weekend of my birth I have come through 40 years unscathed and better for it all.

My 40th year started with a blizzard and a botched birthday celebration where almost no one was able to make it through the snow-covered streets to my party. I lost my beloved dog of 16 years, I moved, with my husband, across the United States, and I made a career change that proved to be challenging in ways that I never imagined. I also moved into a beachside home, welcomed a new and perfect, fluffy pup into my life, witnessed my marriage strengthen despite the upheaval of our comfort zone,  and grew as a professional and a person more than I have in many years. I also had three of my best friends and some wonderful family members visit me in my new home.  I have had struggles, I have missed my family, I have led groups of trusting colleagues around the world on tours to 8 foreign countries, and I have semi-fearlessly navigated four countries to which I had never been. I have become an expert with FaceTime and have watched my niece grow up from afar.

Bella and the hubs
40th birthday in a blizzard
FaceTime with the niece on her 2nd Birthday
Adrienne Visits the HB
Family in the HB

KDibs in the HB

Shae visits us

In front of St. Basil's Cathedral, Moscow
Me and my team in Vietnam

All of these things are not small and I marvel at the resiliency we possess as human beings to come through challenges with relative ease and how we usually become better people (definitely more interesting people) because of them. I will not say that 40 has been my best year, this would not be true. But I will say that 40 has been a year that I have learned more about myself, my strength, and my worth than any year before. Maybe this is how it always is once you reach a certain age. I am hopeful that my learning continues, that my heart remains open to new adventures, and that my life blossoms in different and exciting ways here on out.

Here's to 41 and all of the surprises in store!

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Homesick two ways.

I haven't blogged in a while and to those of you aware of my recent life upheaval, you may not be surprised why I haven't. But, having just returned from over two weeks away from my country of birth, embarking on the first two giant tours of my new career, it is hard to explain what this "home"coming felt like and whenever I start to feel the "feels" my trusty blog seems to help me articulate. Thank goodness for writing. It has always been a soft spot to which I can return when I have the time or the inspiration. Or seemingly indescribable feelings to work through. 

I have been away. Away from my family for four months. Away from my husband and dog for over two weeks. Away from my comfort zone for longer. And upon coming home this past Friday I felt jolted into a reality that I have not completely wrapped my head around yet. Midway through my work tour I felt incredibly homesick, but I could not name for which home. And when I arrived to my beautiful, glorious, beachside home this past Friday, I did not, in fact, feel at home. Although my husband was there, and my sweet little nugget of a pup, I still felt homesick for what I left behind. I wanted to see my mom and dad, I wanted my brother and Brittany and the baby to come over. I wanted Autumn. 

I left my first home before. In 1999 I drove with my boyfriend to the Arizona desert in search of adventure and all that comes with being heady in love with the person you eventually don't end up with. And it was an adventure. I remember crying for most of the drive, poor Mark, the poet without the words to console me. But once the levity of it all set in, I figured it out and made a life for myself (ultimately without the poet) in the dusty, lovely town I will always consider one of my homes. And there, I met my true love and began a life that I would not trade for anything. I had the most phenomenal girlfriends, and mentors, and a life that felt like home. I always missed my family, but I had my footing. What is hard to remember, is when I got that footing into place. But I know it took some time. 

I am now 40 years old and although I still have an adventurous spirit burning inside of me, I feel more insecure than ever about figuring this all out. I have the most incredible home, the perfect mate for me, and enough money to have nice dinners and vacations and a savings account. I had none of these things the last time I left my "home", but for some reason now it seems so much harder.  

And let's get one thing straight. As beautiful as autumn is in New England, I really don't miss it. I am on my patio in my bathing suit with a boogie board nearby just in case I need to head down to the Pacific Ocean for a quick swim before dinner, on the grill, in October. Yes, the photos of pumpkins and foliage touch a place in me that is nostalgic, but I must admit, I have it pretty good. I am quite okay with endless summer and anyone who really knows me, knows this to be the truth! 

I guess what it comes down to is as small as the world is now because of technology and ease of travel, it is just never the same when all the people you love the most are there when you come "home". I know that the "footing" will come for me in this new place I am calling my home. I know that I can get there, but I just wish I had a timeline to know when it will happen. 

In the meantime, I will never squander all of the perks of this challenging and exciting time. I have a husband who loves me, a perfect, fluffy pup, and an ocean within walking distance of my front door. And in this way, I guess home is pretty alright. And when the photos of blizzardly New England eventually appear in my feed, my footing should be in place (and without boots on!). 

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Stretching the Boundaries of a Comfort Zone

Today marks ten days since the upheaval of my little, comfortable life in Connecticut for a whole new, giant, stretched out life in Southern California. I am proud of myself for making the move. I am impressed with the strength of my marriage during a big transition. I know that I am strong and fearless. I am also a bit tired. Last week was a hazy version of what my life usually is. Prior to the "big move" I was alert, aware of my surroundings to a fault. I knew what had to be done when and where and how often. Since the "big move" I have been floating through a haze, albeit a beautiful sunny one. The job I have done at three different boarding schools for the last many years had become kind of easy, predictable. The new job is not either of these things. And though I know I am going to rock and roll in this job soon, I feel overwhelmed by the whole of it. I felt like an expert for the last 15 years in mostly everything I have had to do professionally and now I have some things to learn. I wanted this. I am excited for this. But that doesn't make it feel like a "slam dunk". At least not yet. I know I have everything in my metaphorical tool box to do all the things I will be charged with, but it's been a long time since I have been asked to use new tools. I'll get there I am sure, but I am human like anyone and the familiar feels softer, kinder. And it's not just my career. It's finding someone to cut my hair, figuring out what the hell kind of plants to put in my garden, where the post office is. It's about finding the right time to connect with the ones I love and encouraging them not to text me at the start of their day which is when I am still sleeping. It is a learning curve as big as I have ever experienced and I know that I will soon have it all under control. In general, I think I have done pretty well. I did find someone to cut my hair and even take care of my toes. I know where the bank is and even the post office. I only used my GPS once to get to work. It is all good and will just get better, this I know.

What I will say about this place is that I feel good here. It is sunny. I can ride my bike to the ocean. I am eating better. I am outside more. And this all will be true year round. I have made a move with my husband who was an incredible rock throughout the whole trip and since we have arrived. This move will be good for us, no matter how challenging the transition. I have had meltdowns about missing my parents, my brother and his family, our friends, even the Connecticut Music Awards that we would have surely been decked out for and surrounded by people we love. It is hard and good and hazy all at the same time.

With all this said, I think the haze will lift this week. After an incredible weekend of actually realizing that I live in one of the most beautiful places in our country, everything is bound to be okay. We have begun to fall back into routines that seem familiar, have transferred our east coast life to the west as much as we can, and have begun to look forward with great hope and possibility.

This move, without question is the best and hardest thing I have ever done, but I am grateful for every moment of this journey.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

The Soul of an Adventurer

So, for many of you who read my blog, you know that it is called "Where the Wind Takes Me". And when I started writing this years ago the thought of this phrase filled me with hope and inspiration. We can go anywhere, do anything, any time we want. This is true. But that doesn't mean it has to be without deep consideration. I have accepted a job in California that begins in June. As I embark on a new adventure and a new career path, I do so without hesitation because my heart has spoken to me very loudly and very clearly about it. This does not mean that I won't miss what I am leaving behind. I love my family more than I can even illustrate in a blog and I will miss seeing them easily by living in the same state. I love my porch and my house, and will miss these things as I move on. I love the familiarity of living very close to where I grew up, knowing where everything is, how to get around, what to expect. However, I also love the fact that by making this big move I will get to work in a job that feeds every one of my professional passions, that I will live by the ocean, that I will have to be uncomfortable for a little while before I am settled into a new home (this is good for us!). I don't fear change, but it is also not without its challenges. As for my family and friends, I know that I can love them from anywhere as much as I do from Southington, CT. With technology I have stayed in touch easily with people living all over the world and I know this will be the case now, too. It is not easy on them to see me go, and I want to be very clear that it is not easy on me either. But distance is distance and though our relationship will be different our love will not be lessened because of it. In considering this adventure, I had to sit with myself a while to determine what I actually know to be true. I have come up with this:
1. I am a good daughter/sister/aunt/friend. I have always loved my family and friends fiercely and have done a lot in my life to make sure that they know this. Decisions like this one do not make everyone happy, and I never expect them to, but I know deep down they support me and want me to follow my heart. This means everything to me.
1. I am passionate. Not just about my own life, but how my life makes an impact on others, my community, and the larger world. I am very aware and conscious of this almost all the time. By taking this job I will have the chance to affect change all over the world.
2. I am tuned into my heart and emotions. I am a very sensitive person who trusts her gut more often than not. This hasn't always worked out, but when it has, it has been something incredible.
3. I want to make a difference. From a young age I have been very aware that I have the ability to affect change in the lives of others by simply doing the right thing. For me, this sometimes means taking a chance, a leap into something new.
4. I like to work hard. When I feel like I am not being challenged I typically feel frustrated and immediately start to look for ways to become better in some way. I know I am going to work like crazy in my new job, and this excites me far more than it scares me.
5. I am an adventurer. Travel, moving, starting something new does not frighten me but excites me to the core. I have always been like this and I probably always will be.
6. I am committed to leaving a legacy. Although I have not had children or followed a "traditional" road in my life, I believe that the reason I am here is to leave some kind of legacy. I intend to be remembered for many things, but most importantly for making the world I live in better by working hard and treating people well.

So, as this next chapter in my life begins, I am very sure of myself and the step I am taking. I am also very nervous about how it will all play out. It will be an adventure and a challenge. It will be exciting and scary. But it will be mine and I will embrace each step of the journey. In the meantime, please start planning to visit us on the west coast. There will always be room for friends and family in our house!

Friday, February 20, 2015

14,600 Days

It is the eve of my 40th birthday and I couldn't be more excited. I have always loved my birthday no matter the year, but I am told this one is a "milestone" so I figure I should think about what that means. To me, every birthday I have had has been a milestone of some sort and certainly a blessing. However, as I head into a new decade there are a few more things I know about myself and life that make this birthday, to me, much sweeter. A colleague asked me this week how I am feeling about turning 40 and then sort of frowned like it is the worst thing in the world. This is not how I feel about 40. Not at all. In fact, this might be my favorite birthday so far because of who I am today. Here are 10 things that are true going into the next decade that I didn't totally have my head around in my 20's or even most of my 30's.

1. I know who I am.
For most of my life I have been pretty comfortable with my individuality, but finally at this stage in my life I feel just about 100% clear about who I am and what I represent. I am not apologetic about my beliefs, decisions, or lifestyle. I wear clothes that make me feel good. I listen to music that moves me. I decorate my home in a way completely unique to me. I wear lipstick everyday because it makes me feel pretty.

2. I like who I am.
I have come to terms with the fact that not everyone in the world has to love me for me to love myself. I am less hard on myself and see my flaws in a more loving way. I am open to improvement all the time, but recognize that who I am right this minute is enough for today.

3. I know what I believe in and can back it up with reasons why.
I have strong political beliefs. I am an advocate for social justice. I am a feminist. If you say something that I disagree with I will tell you and I am prepared to tell you why.

4. I trust my life decisions and rarely question them.
Whether these choices are about my mate, my career, children, religion, where to live, how to spend my money. I am confident in my decisions and very rarely are they swayed.

5. I follow my heart.
At age 40 I will be married to my best friend and the other half of my heart. I will be in a career that I love and have created for myself in many ways. I will go on vacations with my girlfriends every year. I will spend time alone to reflect and sit in the sun. In some ways I have always followed my heart, but I definitely question it much less today than I once did.

6. I choose and not choose who I associate with easily and without apology.
My time is more valuable than ever these days and when I have some free hours I want to spend it with people who make my life better, plain and simple. If you don't, then I don't need ya.

7. I understand the world better.
Completely because of my very international job I understand the world I live in much better. I appreciate different cultures. I am fiercely interested in other people's experiences. I am much more sensitive to the plight of others at age 40 than I ever have been. I am also very resilient and able to handle very foreign situations with a sense of calm I never knew I possessed.

8. I take criticism well.
This is a newer one, but I will say that I am heading into my 40's much more self aware and able to handle critique. I am less sensitive about what others think of me and do not become derailed if someone does not like me. Of course, I still want everyone to like me, but I am much more aware that this is unlikely. And that's okay.

9. I know what is important.
I have better relationships with my close friends. I value making meaningful memories with my family. I have a niece that has changed my heart in so many positive ways. My husband and his heart are precious and I treat this relationship with the utmost respect. I value good sleep, healthy food, moving more than sitting around, having money in my savings account, and taking time for solitude and reflection.

10. I wake up happy.
No matter what is going on in my life I make an effort to wake up with a smile on my face. I am a positive person by nature, but this doesn't mean I am always happy. However, I do what I can to recognize the good in every day rather than focus on the negative. Some people say this attitude will help me live longer, which would be great, but I just want to live happier as long as I can.

So, as I move into my next decade on this planet I do so with excitement. I can't even imagine how this list will look at age 50, but I am pretty sure it is going to be even better!

By the way...
Patti Smith's Gloria and I are the same age!

In case you are wondering, these albums are also turning 40 this year!

Led Zeppelin's "Physical Graffiti"
Willie Nelson's "Red Headed Stranger"
Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run"
Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here"